Is It Shit? Time, Love & Tenderness by Michael Bolton

Time, Love, & Tenderness by Michael Bolton April 23, 1991

DISCLAIMER: This is my opinion and my opinion alone. Please do not send threatening messages.

Holy sweet Jesus. 1991 is really shaping up to be a dire year for pop music. 1991 was also the year my mother always seemed to be wearing crappy sweaters. My dad had a job at a now defunct plumbing supply company called R.B. Corcoran. Hurricane Bob came to ravage New England in August. Finally, something so heinous and vile hit the record stores. Here, ladies and gentlemen making his first appearance on Is It Shit is the king of blue eyed soul: Mr. Michael Bolton himself.

The album opens with Love is a Wonderful Thing. When he opens his mouth on this, I want to die. Yes, it’s fun to hate on Michael Bolton, while others do it casually, I have a deep-rooted dislike for this artist. This album was released four days before my sister Josephine passed away. Not even a Percy Sledge cover can save this album. The title track comes next and let me tell you, if you weren’t happy before this, you will shit rainbows and unicorns. I really want to die when I hear this song come on our local soft hits station (I listen to a variety of music, and sometimes laugh when I hear artists that used to be considered edgy.) Oh god, here it comes. He’s screeching now, that’s all he ever does. Can I say that I’m ashamed to be from the same region of the country that this guy is from?

Kenny G. makes an appearance on Missing You Now. Kenny G also gets a certain amount of dislike (I’ll review his albums later.) No thanks, Michael, I don’t want you whispering my name or touching me. Kenny seems relegated to just a few seconds on this track, then the “crooning” takes over. Forever Isn’t Long Enough is the following track. He sounds as if he will explode when he’s singing this song. Next, we hear his “tender” side. The track is called Now That I Found You. So far, I’m about to go to sleep. Do we really need to put up with this? I think instead of waterboarding, they should make suspected terrorists listen to this. The Percy Sledge Song When a Man Loves a Woman is next. Memories involving this song are many, mostly taking rides with my dad at night around Nantucket. Patti LaBelle makes an appearance in We’re Not Making Love Anymore. Just the thought, and I mean THE thought of making love with Michael Bolton would make me curl up and die.

Is that Waiting for a Girl Like You? Damn. I thought it was. The track is called New Love. Man, my desk is full of rainbows and unicorns now. Mr. Bolton, please stop torturing me. At 3:03 he sounds like he’s going to explode into a million little Michael Bolton’s. If that happened, I’d have to get my boots on and begin stomping. Thank god that’s over. Save Me begins with a somewhat mysterious rhythm and then goes straight into an adult contemporary New Jack Swing-esque beat. Damn, when will this shit show of an album end? When I signed up for this, I wasn’t expecting this. This must be a cruel joke.

Finally, the album ends with the hardest song on here: Steel Bars. This is surprisingly a good listen. Yes, he screeches on, but the guitars detract from it. I will admit he has powerful vocals on this song. This too, was a single, but it was released in 1992. This album screams Nantucket circa 1991, when the entire island wore butt-ugly sweaters and had bowl cuts, and when bay scallops were beginning to decline. WRZE tortured us with the singles off this album. I don’t know who is worse Amy Grant or Michael Bolton. I’m going to venture a guess and say it’s Michael. He’s the one and only king of schlock.

Is it shit?

Shit doesn’t begin to describe this album. Time, Love & Tenderness is like a large load of diarrhea for the ears. Not even Michael W. Smith or Amy Grant come close; at least they didn’t try to be this bad. I’m sure Mr. Bolton was under pressure from his record label to croon and just release a shitty album. I’m told he has packs of fans. I haven’t met a fan yet, and I’m not a fan of his. Hell, he even ruined a song from Disney’s Hercules (The Distance) His Christmas songs are even worse from what I’ve been told. I had the misfortune of playing his cover of White Christmas two years ago, and quite frankly that was enough. I’m sure you can guess what score I’m going to give this, but I’ll just post it.

0/5

Sammy P.

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