Top Ten Worst Albums

What is the worst album you’ve ever listened to? Do you have a list?

In fact, I do have a list of the worst albums that have entered my ears. The list is a top ten of sorts and is very much a work in progress. You asked for it, you got it.

10. Marc Cohn by Marc Cohn; 1991. We’ve all heard his song Walking in Memphis. Did you know there was a whole album attached? The album consists of boring adult contemporary songs that should’ve stayed buried. Silver Thunderbird is cringeworthy. This album isn’t as bad as say the #1 spot, but it’s still something to avoid.

9. After the Rain by Nelson; 1990. At a moment in time in June, 1990 (I Can’t Live Without Your) Love and Affection was everywhere. The band consists of Matthew and Gunnar Nelson; the sons of Rick Nelson, of Ozzie and Harriet fame. The first three tracks were all right, but then it all goes downhill from there into cringeworthy territory. Don’t call them a hair band, because they are not. This is pure pop.

8. Silhouette by Kenny G.; 1988. Wow, did it come to this? Did it have to? Kenny G. is a name synonymous with canned jazz and department store music. The title track makes me squirm. I prefer jazz from the old days of Duke Ellington and the big band era. This is something that I imagine yuppies listen to when they think of being on top of the world. Get real, guys. “But he’s a master of jazz! You have to give him respect!” I respect jazz, just not Mr. Gorelick. Like I said, to me, jazz is a well-established genre and should be left to those who know what they are doing.

7. All or Nothing by Milli Vanilli; 1988. You knew they were faking it, you just had to. This “group” was a project of Frank Farian, the same person who brought you Boney M, Far Corporation, and later, La Bouche, and No Mercy. Hell, there’s even a Boney M. cover in here: Ma Baker. The title track makes me gag too. The fact that the public didn’t catch on until it was too late is saying a lot about the times, it was getting easier to fool people. Lip synching is nothing new, but Milli Vanilli brought it into the spotlight, and for a while there seemed to be a witch hunt for artists that did lip synch. The scandal got so bad, that the “group” was stripped of their Grammy.

6. Hangin’ Tough by New Kids on the Block; 1988. The years 1988-91 produced the worst music, but that would be inaccurate, as there have been duds throughout history. Take New Kids on the Block for example. From Boston, many in that city looked at them as a source of hometown pride. Bollocks I say! For every fan, there are three or more people who dislike this group. The album itself is your typical boy band fluff. Perhaps the worst song here is the title track. I heard their concerts were enough to make a girl explode for days. Pass.

5. Everything’s Archie by The Archies; 1969. Play Sugar, Sugar, I dare you. This still isn’t the worst album I’ve heard, but it’s close enough. The main single here makes you want to curl up in a ball and make your last gasps for air until you die of asphyxiation. The rhythm and lyrics are so sugary sweet here that your teeth will rot out of your head, causing you to get dentures. Maybe being exposed to this tripe was enough to give me brain damage. We could have won the Vietnam War if we just went into the jungle and played Sugar, Sugar. The Viet Cong would’ve all died from brain rot.

4. Boots by Nancy Sinatra; 1966. I’m probably going to get a lot of crap for this one. Boots is one of the most boring albums I have listened to. I was severely bored. These Boots Are Made for Walkin’, the main draw here, is just that, the main point of interest. The rest of the album is just filler and it made me cry tears of blood. Blood for the souls of the damned. Pass.

3. Nobody Else by Take That; 1995. This was the band’s last album featuring Robbie Williams. As boy bands go, this one was average. Not as bad as Brother Beyond, but still bad enough to make music purists turn their noses up. Back for Good, the main single here is fake. Fake enough for the naïve to take it seriously.

2. Heart in Motion by Amy Grant; 1991. I reviewed this in full already, but I have a few more remarks that didn’t make the cut. People must have eaten this album right up, and Amy must have laughed all the way to the bank. She knows that the lyrics are disgustingly saccharine. My ears and teeth hurt with just one listen. Avoid Baby, Baby, and Every Heartbeat. You can just avoid this album altogether.

Here is the finale!

  1. Time, Love, and Tenderness by Michael Bolton; 1991. I have given this album a rating of zero stars. Michael sounds like he’s ready to explode on several of the tracks. As I stated in my review; he had to be under extreme pressure from the label to record this. The result of course is crappy, and maybe he did it on purpose. Avoid this album like the bubonic plague, unless of course you’re a rabid fan of his. I doubt that, but still…

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